Chapter One

I was first told this story when I was working on the Herald Diary. I was phoned by a Glasgow City Councillor, who swore to me that it had happened to one of his constituents. No names, no pack drill, John, but that whisky that you promised if I didn't tell anyone that you believed it has been a long time in the post.

This bloke goes out on a Saturday night to a party and has a couple of beers. He meets a girl who seems to like him and she invites him to another party. She takes him to a flat in Ruchill and they continue to drink, and even get involved with some other recreational drugs. There may even be a bit of haughmagandie involved.

The next thing he knows, he wakes up, completely naked, in a bath filled with ice. He is still feeling the effects of the drugs and is totally hungover. He looks down at his chest, which has, "CALL 999 OR YOU WILL DIE" written on it in lipstick (good trick this, as it would need to be written upside down so that he could read it).

There is a phone on a stand next to the bath, so he picks it up and dials. He explains to the NHS 24 emergency operator, who is saying: "Are you really sure that this is life-threatening?" what the situation is and that he doesn't know where he is, what he has taken, or why he is really calling. She advises him to get out of the bath and look himself over in the mirror. He does, only to find two nine-inch slits in his lower back. She tells him to get back in the bath immediately, and they send an ambulance over. They find his kidneys have been removed. They are worth £10,000 each on the black market.

Who could possibly believe this absurd urban legend? But then again, it does provide the world with what it needs most - a new word, 'kidneynapping'. To the best of my knowledge, this has never happened. You need vast surgical teams to transfer kidneys, but, who knows, what with the march of technology, it may well become possible, and then the word will come into its own. And we will have 'organlegging' as well as, it occurs, 'footlegging'.